The Stillness and the Truth

Some many days I feel like I’m just treading water–struggling to keep afloat but not really going anywhere.  Waves come at me over and over, but for the most part the water is still and there is no current.

I used to love being still.  I treasured it.  These days, however, more often than not the stillness is suffocating…and inside my heart is anything but peaceful.

Can I be honest with you for a moment?  Sometimes being a stay-at-home mom is a really lonely place to be in.  Many of my days don’t even involve conversation with another adult.  Amidst the loneliness, I am constantly being bombarded with thoughts that I am not enough…that other women do so much more ministry and work and reaching out to others than I do.

Yet, even with all the stillness of not really “going” anywhere, I struggle to keep my head above water.  My days are full of repetitive, mundane, and yet inexplicably stressful tasks.  My house is never clean like I want it to be, and the laundry is never done.  I can’t even keep up with the “simple” tasks of a stay-at-home mom, let alone find time for “ministry” or “work”.

But then, God speaks to me like He did to Martha.  “Caitlin, Caitlin,” He says. “Do you not know that I have called you for such a time as this?  You worry about many things, but one thing is needed.  Your identity and worth and daily goals should be from Me alone!”

And I look into the beautiful blue eyes of my children, and realize that in the bustle of trying to “do enough”, I have neglected to really look and listen to them lately.  I have forgotten what my days are supposed to be about…training and teaching these sweet little gifts in the fear of the Lord.  I have forgotten to make this the sole focus of my days, and have forgotten to delight in this work as my life work for this season.

And I look into the pale blue eyes of the man who won my heart, and realize that I’ve also neglected my relationship with him.  I’ve forgotten that spending time with him is a must and a need.  I’ve forgotten that it’s okay to stop working and just sit and watch a show with him on the rare day he comes home early from work.  I’ve forgotten to seek out and do what would help him better to do his work.  I’ve forgotten to seek and pursue him.  In my self deprecation I have forgotten that he could care less if the house is spotless as long as it’s tidy.

And I look around at the wonders of creation, and realize that I’ve neglected my relationship with the Creator of it all, my First and Truest Love.  I’ve neglected to sit with Him, listen to Him, and delight in Him.  I’ve forgotten how to just sit and open my eyes to the gifts He’s given me.  I’ve forgotten to see those gifts around me and within nature, and to thank Him for them all.

 

Thank you, Lord, for this beautiful calling You’ve set for my days in this season of life.  Forgive me for focusing on what I’m not doing instead of on what You’ve called me to do.  Help me to find joy in this season of life.  Help me to find joy in the stillness and repetitive tasks.  Thank You, Lord, for the gift that is this stillness.  

 

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5 Truths About Post Partum Depression

5ppdMy husband recently suggested that we go in with his family on renting a lakehouse for Super Bowl weekend like we did last year.

Honestly…the idea sounded awful to me.  Last year during that time I was knee deep in the mire that is Post Partum Depression and didn’t yet recognize it.  I was frustrated with everyone, didn’t want to be around people, and was dealing with this heavy grey fog that I couldn’t explain or shake.  Just thinking about it puts my stomach in knots.

I cannot begin to describe how wonderful it is to not be in that fog anymore.  Yet, my heart goes out to those currently dealing with it, or thinking that they might be dealing with it.

Post Partum Depression is surrounded by a a lot of lies and hearsay.  Today, I present you with 5 truths about PPD…from someone who has been there herself:

1.) Post Partum Depression doesn’t make sense.

You may be incredibly sleep deprived or you may be getting a solid 8 hours every night.  You may be dealing with a ton of stress and worry, or you may have absolutely nothing big to be worrying about.  It doesn’t really matter or make a difference.  The worst part about PPD is that you feel a certain way in your heart, knowing full well that there is no reason that you should be feeling that way.  Why would you secretly want to run away from that sweet baby that you are so in love with and that you know is a gift?  Why would you feel hopeless when new life and hope is constantly in front of your eyes?  It just doesn’t make sense.

2.) Post Partum Depression manifests differently in different women.

Some women experiencing PPD may want to run away from their babies.  Others may be unreasonably fearful of even letting them out of their arms.   Others may switch back and forth and become extremely moody.  The common thread is that you know in your heart that something is not right…something is off.

3.) Post Partum Depression is not your fault.

One of the biggest lies about PPD is that women who have it are at fault.  They don’t eat enough nutrients or get enough sleep.  They focus too much on themselves.  They don’t focus on themselves enough.  They don’t get out of the house enough.  They aren’t thankful for the gifts they have.  They haven’t turned to God to help.  Or, heaven forbid, they didn’t encapsulate their placenta and consume it.

My friend, all of these are lies.  Post Partum Depression is a mean, hormonal mess that no woman ever deserves.  Simply put, we live in a fallen world and sometimes are bodies just don’t work right or regulate themselves as they should.  Those messed up hormones can control our thoughts, feelings, and emotions to a terrible extent.

4.) Post Partum Depression is a bully.

My biggest memory of my struggle with PPD is that I felt oppressed.  Feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness overwhelmed me and I felt no power to shake them.  PPD can make you do terrible things like scream at your children or call your husband ugly names.  It can paralyze you with fear to the extent that you’re afraid to step foot outside the front door.  It can make you feel like a terrible mom for not feeling “connected” with your baby.  PPD is a bully in that it intimidates you and makes you act or feel in a way that you don’t want to.

 

5.) Post Partum Depression isn’t forever.

It may not seem like it right now, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.  There is help.  Hormones do shift back to normal.  The fog is not unending.  Take it from a mama whose been there.  Know that you’re not alone.  I made it through…and so can you.

 

If you’re struggling with Post Partum Depression, or think you might be, please PLEASE speak out and get help.  Don’t try to “fix” things or trudge along alone.  If you need help don’t hesitate to email me at thelifenotmyown@gmail.com . 

 

Weariness, Lies, and Truth

Three o’clock in the morning rolled around and I had yet to log more than 15 min of sleep.  My three-year-old was just getting over being sick, and now my 1-year-old was down-for-the-count…and she was not pleased.  Every time I’d finally get her to sleep, a coughing spell would wake her up again.  It didn’t matter what I gave her or what humidifier I ran.  She was just not sleeping…and, consequently, neither was I.

I was feeling raw and entirely spent.  Saying that I felt incapable would be an understatement.  I was empty and vulnerable…and the thoughts poured in.

I can’t do this.

I’m a failure as a mom.

I don’t know how to take care of my own children.

I’m a bad mom.

Life with babies is endless weariness.

I’m not cut out for this. 

All these things lies from the devil, but in that moment I believed them.  Those words of poison sunk down to my very soul.  If not for the grace of God, I would have drowned in them.

You see, it was in that moment that God spoke.  He reminded me that these thoughts were not from Him.  Instead, new thoughts began to swirl in my mind.

I can do this through Him.

He will work in and through me.

He has equipped me with what I need to be these babies’ mom and to train them up in Him.

He will be my rest and will give me exactly the amount of sleep I need.

Life with babies is full of beautiful, precious, sweet little moments and gifts.

He has created me for this…for such a time as this.

And then my heart became thankful.

Thank You, Lord for making me their mother.

Thank You for entrusting them to me.

Thank You for the gift of getting to care for them when they’re sick.

Thank You for their healthy little bodies fighting off sicknesses like they’re supposed to do.

Thank You for the beauty and gift of being emptied and poured out.

And from my journal the next day:

“Motherhood isn’t supposed to be easy.  If it was, where would be the growth?  Where would be the unfathomable mystery of so much joy and fulfillment coming from so much emptiness? 

“Today I am tired and so terribly weary.  I’ve gotten next to no sleep in the past few days.  I’m at a loss to know what to do.  I feel like I literally can’t go on.  I can’t take one more night.  And no, I can’t…But You can.  You fill me and give me exactly what I need.

“‘The Lord is my Shepherd…I shall not want.’ ~Psalm 23:1~

“Lord, may I always be confident that I shall not want for anything.  Not even sleep, peace or strength.”

If you find yourself weary, press into Him.  His promises never fail. 

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Things Moms Think (But Would Never Admit)

My kid is the cutest (or smartest or most beautiful)…you fill in the blank.

Your kid is more advanced developmentally than mine?  You’re probably exaggerating.

My baby looks tiny next to yours?  You must be feeding yours too much.

My baby is really chunky?  Yes sir, and I’m proud of it!

I could totally blame my indigestion on the baby and no one would ever know.

I’m trying to remember why I would have put the TV remote in the fridge.

I wonder if the other mothers’ bellies look like squishy biscuit dough?

Child, you are about to make me lose my mind.  But somehow I still love you anyway.

If the kids fall asleep in the car I’m totally stopping for a milkshake.

Worth It

I love everything about my Nora.   I love how’s she so laid back, and yet so dramatic when she wants to be.  I love the way she “dances” anytime music comes on, or the way she giggles uncontrollably at her brother’s antics.  I love her fierce, determined spirit.  I love the way little bubble skirts look on her.  I love how she’s already got her daddy wrapped around her finger.  I love the way her hair curls up when it’s humid out, and how sweet her smile is.  Basically, I am desperately in love with this little girl God gave me.

Last year about this time I looked like some mixture between a beached whale/torpedo/prize winning watermelon.  I was having painful contractions all the stinking time, my back was killing me, and I couldn’t sleep.  Then I ended up in the hospital with pre-term labor and was put on full-stop bed rest, and my misery only got worse.  At 37 weeks, when I came off bed rest, I was in so much pain I could hardly walk.  What muscle tone I had left in my legs was met with shooting pains from contractions.  The entire left side of my rib cage felt like it was going to explode.  The next two and half weeks until I was finally induced were some of the longest days I have ever experienced, and I felt wholly helpless and incapable.

This morning as I watched my sweet little Nora Jane play, my heart so hopelessly in love with her, I realized that all that pain and discomfort and waiting was more than worth it.  I would do it a thousand times over for the sweet doll that is my little girl.

If you’re going through hard times, press into God and keep persevering.  Someday soon you may look back and realize that these hard times were worth it.  You see, sometimes the hardest things we go through turn into the greatest blessings.

We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:28

My Children Are Blessings…And I’m Not Quiverfull

IMG_9149-EditI was trying to quickly put on makeup when I heard the giggles.  I glanced over to my bed where my two children were laughing back and forth at each other.

“What are you two doing?” I teased.

Their beautiful, sparkling blue eyes both turned to me, their precious mouths turned up in wide, uninhibited smiles.  My heart began to ache as it usually does in such a moment…when my momma heart loves them so much that it feels about ready to burst.  I am so blessed, I thought.

My mind raced back to the day before, when the 10-month-old was fussy from teething and the 3-year-old had begun peppering me with his unending questions.  I had snapped at him, and then felt bad about it.  I remembered something I had read recently from another mom, whom I know to be “quiverfull“.  She had had a similar day, had yelled at one of her kids, and then had apologized to him later telling him that “he was a blessing and a gift”.

I found myself apologizing and telling my own son something similar.  The words seemed to sink down into his little soul and he threw his arms around my neck and whispered that he loved me.  In that moment, I couldn’t have loved my little son or his sister more if I’d tried.

My husband and I don’t feel convicted about preventing pregnancy being wrong, nor do we really want a 15-passenger van full of kids.  We take each baby as he or she comes, pray, and follow the Lord’s leading.  Right now in this moment, we have a lot of peace about our two.  I don’t honestly know what the years will bring.  I don’t know if more children will join our family through pregnancy or adoption, or if our two will be it.  What I do know is that, if we never feel led to have more children, it won’t because we don’t see our children as blessings.  In fact, it may just be because we already feel so blessed and our hearts are already so full and content with our two.  Our two children are our arrows in our “quiver”, and I pray every day that they will be straight, true arrows.  I pray that, if we only ever have the two children, that quality will make up for quantity.

There are days when the strain of motherhood clouds my vision and makes me forget that my children are blessings. There are days when they irritate me, strain me, and tire me.  It is on those days that I have to remember that my children are blessings.  It is on those days that I have to remind myself that I don’t have to have baby after baby to see children as gifts from the Lord.  Sometimes you just have to remember to love the ones you have, and to choose to see them for the blessings they are.       

Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing

wolvesI saw him out of the corner of my eye and my hand involuntarily tightened around that of my three-year-olds.  Part of me felt bad for my reaction.  Christians are supposed to love everybody, and by all accounts this was a good, upstanding man.  I had no “proof” that there was anything underhanded about him…only a few strange experiences and a weird vibe I get in my stomach every time I’m around him.

Next to me, my son prattled on, telling me one thing or another, completely oblivious and innocent.  It was then that I knew that I’d do anything to protect that innocence.  It was then that I knew that I’d rather be overly cautious then to stifle my misgivings at the cost of that innocence.

You see, I’ve seen too much of the world.  The people I know that are the most caught in darkness were once masquerading as good, upstanding citizens, from the “Christian” homeschool father and police detective who turned out to be molesting his own daughters, to the cult-like leader who preached strict morals all the while not following them himself, to the uncle raising his niece and secretly molesting her until the little girls’ plea for help from her friend fell on the ears of people who took a stand.  I could go on and on.  I’ve known too many wolves in sheep’s clothing.

I’ll never forget the day in college that we watched a video highlighting a few exemplary teachers from across the country.  I can guarantee that everyone in that room thought something was a little odd about the way the male English teacher rubbed the back of one of his male students.  I can also guarantee that every person in the room quickly pushed those thoughts aside, thinking they were just being overly sensitive.  It wasn’t until the end of the video that we learned that that same teacher had later been convicted of molesting a male student, and that 18+ more former students had come forward saying that he had molested them as well.  He was the Georgia teacher of the year and was awarded a MacArthur Fellowship and yet all the while…

Wolves in sheep’s clothing.  

Don’t for a second think that being a teacher, being involved in church, being “happily” married, or seeming like a nice person means anything.  Predators are smart.  They want you to believe that they are nice, upstanding citizens.  They want to gain your trust, so that you will let your guard down.  They know that trust gives opportunity.  

The struggle is real, though.  I want to love everybody.  I don’t want to be judgmental or unfair.  I’ve learned, however, that you can still love someone without trusting them.  You can still love unquestioningly without trusting undeservedly.

I hope and pray that someday when I get to heaven that God will say, “You were wrong about those people.”  Yet, I also know that I would rather be overly cautious and be wrong than to stifle down misgivings only to let one of my children or any other child be an opportunity.

Be on your guard, parents.  Educate your children, set boundaries, and do everything you can to prevent these wolves in sheep’s clothing from having access to hurt your children.  You can’t always keep them safe, but you can do everything in your power to protect the innocence of these precious children that God has entrusted you with.