As many of you know, a third sweet little one is growing inside of me. I’ve been meaning to write something about this third baby pretty much since I found out I was pregnant…but somehow the words haven’t come. With 28 weeks rapidly approaching on Monday, I thought that now was as good of a time as any to finally write about her. But to do that, I have to go back to the beginning…before this baby was even a possibility in our minds.
Some many days I feel like I’m just treading water–struggling to keep afloat but not really going anywhere. Waves come at me over and over, but for the most part the water is still and there is no current.
I used to love being still. I treasured it. These days, however, more often than not the stillness is suffocating…and inside my heart is anything but peaceful.
Can I be honest with you for a moment? Sometimes being a stay-at-home mom is a really lonely place to be in. Many of my days don’t even involve conversation with another adult. Amidst the loneliness, I am constantly being bombarded with thoughts that I am not enough…that other women do so much more ministry and work and reaching out to others than I do.
Yet, even with all the stillness of not really “going” anywhere, I struggle to keep my head above water. My days are full of repetitive, mundane, and yet inexplicably stressful tasks. My house is never clean like I want it to be, and the laundry is never done. I can’t even keep up with the “simple” tasks of a stay-at-home mom, let alone find time for “ministry” or “work”.
But then, God speaks to me like He did to Martha. “Caitlin, Caitlin,” He says. “Do you not know that I have called you for such a time as this? You worry about many things, but one thing is needed. Your identity and worth and daily goals should be from Me alone!”
And I look into the beautiful blue eyes of my children, and realize that in the bustle of trying to “do enough”, I have neglected to really look and listen to them lately. I have forgotten what my days are supposed to be about…training and teaching these sweet little gifts in the fear of the Lord. I have forgotten to make this the sole focus of my days, and have forgotten to delight in this work as my life work for this season.
And I look into the pale blue eyes of the man who won my heart, and realize that I’ve also neglected my relationship with him. I’ve forgotten that spending time with him is a must and a need. I’ve forgotten that it’s okay to stop working and just sit and watch a show with him on the rare day he comes home early from work. I’ve forgotten to seek out and do what would help him better to do his work. I’ve forgotten to seek and pursue him. In my self deprecation I have forgotten that he could care less if the house is spotless as long as it’s tidy.
And I look around at the wonders of creation, and realize that I’ve neglected my relationship with the Creator of it all, my First and Truest Love. I’ve neglected to sit with Him, listen to Him, and delight in Him. I’ve forgotten how to just sit and open my eyes to the gifts He’s given me. I’ve forgotten to see those gifts around me and within nature, and to thank Him for them all.
Thank you, Lord, for this beautiful calling You’ve set for my days in this season of life. Forgive me for focusing on what I’m not doing instead of on what You’ve called me to do. Help me to find joy in this season of life. Help me to find joy in the stillness and repetitive tasks. Thank You, Lord, for the gift that is this stillness.
My son is one of those uncommonly sweet people. Every time I pick him up from Sunday school I hear, “Miles is so sweet!”. And then almost every night I hear our doorknob rattle and turn, followed by tiny little tiptoes across our floor. My almost-three-year-old then silently climbs into bed on my side and neatly tucks himself in next to me before drifting back to sleep. It’s hard to say no to something so heart-melting.
He’s the type of little boy who tells his mama often that she looks pretty, and you know he means it. When I was sick recently, he voluntarily would softly rub my back and say, “I’m sorry you’re not feeling good, Mommy.”
His sweetness goes beyond just loving his Mama, though. He notices peoples emotions, and it bothers him when others are upset. When we took him to see Big Hero 6 in theaters, we thought that the movie would mostly go over his head. However, by the time the credits rolled we were left with a sobbing little boy quaveringly telling us that “Baymax fell into the water!”. He may not have understood everything, but he understood that Baymax was gone (or had been), and was absolutely torn up about it.
As his mommy, I both cherish and fear his tender heart. I cherish it because it is a gift, rare in this world, especially among males. Don’t get me wrong, he’s all boy, from his ability to turn anything into a weapon to his obsession with sticks and rocks (especially the throwing of them). Yet, he has a sensitive streak in him that not every boy has.
I fear his tender heart because I am his mom and I don’t ever want to see him hurt, and yet I know the heartache that this world holds for those sweet ones. Often in the world we live in, the ability to emote and empathize is degraded and made fun of. I know that there will be times that my precious boy won’t fit in because of it. I know that there will be times that he will be misunderstood because of it. I know that watching the suffering of others will just about break him apart.
I also know that God has gifted him with this heart for a reason.
I may not know yet what that reason is, but I pray every day that God will give me the strength and wisdom to nurture this precious little heart that He has entrusted me with. I can’t wait to see the man he becomes.
I was determined to have beautifully wrapped presents under our Christmas tree this year. I’d looked up tutorials on how to make gifts look professionally wrapped, and I had everything all laid out. But then Miles wanted to help wrap the presents for his daddy.
As any parent knows, a two-year-old little boy isn’t exactly the most helpful when it comes to wrapping presents. By the time the few presents were wrapped, the paper was wrinkled from being stepped on, there were pieces of tape in various random places, and the gifts looked anything but professionally wrapped. I found myself snapping at my little boy who had been so eager to help. I saw the crushed look in his beautiful blue eyes, and I hated myself for it.
I set the presents under our Christmas tree and remembered how just the day before I had contemplated replacing our cheap, Walmart angel and ornaments. Yet, each piece had been bought in love and excitement by two beautifully happy newlyweds…each item budgeted for and purchased with the little money they had at the time. No, they weren’t magazine worthy, but they were full of memories and love and a symbol of a new family being formed. I knew then that I would not be able to replace them, even though I could afford to.
I looked again at my mangled gift wrap job and smiled. I wouldn’t trade those random pieces of tape and the wrinkled paper for the world. In them I see my tenderhearted little boy, always eager to help and love others.
I pray that my children will not grow up thinking that Christmas means store-bought perfection straight out of a magazine. May they grow up with treasured memories of family, hope, and love. May they see Christ in Christmas…and may they see Christ in me.
I’m pleased to announce that Baby Girl Baker finally made her grand entrance into this world!
Today I realized that I’m 19 weeks pregnant, and the only thing I’ve posted on here about it is our pregnancy announcement and one other post. It’s not that I don’t have things to talk about…life just keeps seeming to get in the way.
I’m a SAHM to one busy toddler, so how busy could I really be? The problem is that “Stay at Home Mom” is only a job description…not an accurate picture of my daily life.
A year and a half ago, my husband and his father had the opportunity to buy the business that they had been running for a number of years. That in and of itself was crazy. Six months ago we had the opportunity to buy the counterpart retail store on the square of our little town as well. Somehow, remodeling and revamping a 10,000 square foot retail space wasn’t enough…we decided to open a coffee shop AND a brick oven pizza place in part of the building as well. Add to that the fact that my husband was taking 13 college credit hours this past semester, and you start to realize that he was really rarely ever home. We hardly got to see him unless it was at the store, and we frequented it as often as we could.
Life was crazy, to say the least. I felt like a single parent many days. I even traveled on a plane alone all the way out to sunny California with my wiggling, active “lap child” toddler son because my husband was far too busy to go. I missed having family time. I missed getting to eat dinner together every night. I missed my husband.
Yet, somehow we made it out and things have slowed down considerably. Only now, I’m the one working. My husband was needing help with some office work at the plant, and I’ve been working a few hours a day to help them catch up. The rest of the day is pretty much a wash from my son being so thrown off his schedule. Its rough, to say the least.
And did I mention that I’m really, REALLY trying to stay on top of my garden this year? Yeah, life is full and crazy. Yet, somehow amidst all this craziness little Baby Baker makes his or her presence known with near constant kicks and jabs. I’m thankful for those little kicks. They make me slow down and really sit and think.
So there you have it…a little snippet of my life right now. Hopefully it won’t be too long before you hear from me again. I’m not making any promises, though. 🙂