Three o’clock in the morning rolled around and I had yet to log more than 15 min of sleep. My three-year-old was just getting over being sick, and now my 1-year-old was down-for-the-count…and she was not pleased. Every time I’d finally get her to sleep, a coughing spell would wake her up again. It didn’t matter what I gave her or what humidifier I ran. She was just not sleeping…and, consequently, neither was I.
I was feeling raw and entirely spent. Saying that I felt incapable would be an understatement. I was empty and vulnerable…and the thoughts poured in.
I can’t do this.
I’m a failure as a mom.
I don’t know how to take care of my own children.
I’m a bad mom.
Life with babies is endless weariness.
I’m not cut out for this.
All these things lies from the devil, but in that moment I believed them. Those words of poison sunk down to my very soul. If not for the grace of God, I would have drowned in them.
You see, it was in that moment that God spoke. He reminded me that these thoughts were not from Him. Instead, new thoughts began to swirl in my mind.
I can do this through Him.
He will work in and through me.
He has equipped me with what I need to be these babies’ mom and to train them up in Him.
He will be my rest and will give me exactly the amount of sleep I need.
Life with babies is full of beautiful, precious, sweet little moments and gifts.
He has created me for this…for such a time as this.
And then my heart became thankful.
Thank You, Lord for making me their mother.
Thank You for entrusting them to me.
Thank You for the gift of getting to care for them when they’re sick.
Thank You for their healthy little bodies fighting off sicknesses like they’re supposed to do.
Thank You for the beauty and gift of being emptied and poured out.
And from my journal the next day:
“Motherhood isn’t supposed to be easy. If it was, where would be the growth? Where would be the unfathomable mystery of so much joy and fulfillment coming from so much emptiness?
“Today I am tired and so terribly weary. I’ve gotten next to no sleep in the past few days. I’m at a loss to know what to do. I feel like I literally can’t go on. I can’t take one more night. And no, I can’t…But You can. You fill me and give me exactly what I need.
“‘The Lord is my Shepherd…I shall not want.’ ~Psalm 23:1~
“Lord, may I always be confident that I shall not want for anything. Not even sleep, peace or strength.”
If you find yourself weary, press into Him. His promises never fail.