Bitterness

It’s like a cancer deep down inside of you.  Nobody sees it.  Nobody knows it’s there.  Except you…and, of course, God.

I’ve known the nagging pain of it far too well.  It began with a valid reason.  A blunder.  Somebody did me wrong.  The fact that I had once called that someone a friend made it worse.  That that person claimed to be a Christian sunk me.

Why would they do this?  How could this person not see the hurt they had caused?  How could they claim to have been led by the Spirit when all they brought was pain?  These questions whirred through my brain in a never-ending loop.

Slowly, I found the hurt turning black, rotting my heart from the inside out.  Shamefully, I found myself hating.  I wanted to scream and yell.  I wanted to write a nasty letter.  I even dreamt of doing this person physical harm.

I wanted to hurt them, but instead all I ever ended up hurting was myself.  I let it breed in me and poison me.  With it came anger, sleeplessness, and even depression.  There didn’t seem to be a way to stop it.

But there was One who could…the only other One who knew it was even there inside of me.   One day I realized that I needed Him to fix me.  I needed Him to get rid of this.

It was as if I looked down and saw for the first time that my fists were clenched, holding tight to the wrongs done me.  I didn’t want to let them go.  I wanted to hold onto them until this person paid for what they’d done.

But that is not His way.  That’s not how He works, how He heals.  No, instead of letting me inflict retribution, He asked me to do the opposite…He asked me to let go.

And I did.

It wasn’t easy or all at once.  When you’ve held tight to something for that long, your muscles are tight and unmoving.  It took prying and tears and hard choices, but eventually I was able to let go of that last shred of hurt that I’d held onto for so long.

All at once I saw what the poison had done to me.  What I’d let grow in me.  I vowed to never let it grow in me again, although I knew I could never really keep that promise.

O Lord, cleanse me of the blackness within.

Rid me of this poison I drown myself in.  

Let me know the freedom of true forgiveness,  

And free me from this trap called bitterness.  

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