I Didn’t Want a Daughter

I knew before the ultrasound tech said it.  It was a girl.  Part of me was thrilled.  I had a little boy, and now I’d have one of each.  Yet, secretly, there was a part of me that was stunned.

I love being a woman, don’t get me wrong.  But I was supposed to be that mama with the boys…the cool mom who played Cowboys and Indians and went on crazy, fun adventures with them.  I loved growing up in a modern-day version of Little Women [read: three sisters, no brothers], but I thought that us girls had enough hormones and drama for a lifetime.  Being something of a tomboy as a child, the very thought of tutus and giant bows and pink everywhere was foreign to me.  It even made me cringe a little bit. (Don’t hate me, that’s just me!)  To quote a line from one of my favorite musicals, “You can have fun with a son, but you’ve got to be a father [insert “mother”] to a girl.”  

Up until the day my daughter was born, I was scared.  Scared that I wouldn’t enjoy her the same way I loved my little boy.  Scared that I wouldn’t know what to do with a girl.  Scared that she’d be a dramatic little diva.  Scared that I’d mess it all up.

And then our sweet little Nora Jane was born.  

Nora means “light” and Jane means “God’s gift”, both names that are incredibly fitting for the sweetest of babies that is our Nora.  From day one she’s been the most easygoing baby.  She’s an incredible sleeper, colic has been almost non-existent, and she really only fusses when she needs something.  She lets me cuddle her, rock her, and sing to her…all things that Miles never let me do in the early months.  While I loved him indescribably, his colic and high-needs personality left me little time to just sit and relish in his preciousness.  But Nora?  Well, I’ve been able to just enjoy her.

The bows and pink and sweet little girl things just suit her, and I love them.  Sometimes I wish she’d have more blow-outs, just so I’d have an excuse to change her into another adorable outfit.

And I look forward to the future.  I look forward to getting to watch “girl” movies with her, and to getting to see the princesses at Disneyland and not just the action heros.  My heart melts thinking of seeing her dance with her daddy, or introducing her to Anne Shirley and Gilbert Blythe for the first time.  I can’t wait to see what kind of girl, and eventually woman, she’ll be.  Will she be a free-spirited horse lover, as I was?  Or will she live for tea parties and tutus?    

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: God knows what we need.  He knew that after Miles (and really, with Miles ongoing), I couldn’t have handled a Miles II.  He knew the deepest fears of my heart, and blessed me with a beautiful, precious little girl that I can cherish and adore.  A little girl who, instead of wanting to be like daddy, will want to be like me.  A little girl whom I can lead and guide.  A little girl who will one day, hopefully, be a beautiful, strong woman of God.

I will never be one of those moms who can refer to her all-the-same-gender kids as “the boys” or “the girls”.  Instead, I get to say things like “the kids” or “my children”.  I would never have guessed that I’d have a boy and then a girl, nor would I have wished for it.  Yet, knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t trade my son and my daughter for the world.

Our Nora Jane.  Not a diva or a drama queen.  Instead, a sweet, exquisite little blessing who stole my heart from the first moment I saw her.

No, I didn’t want a daughter.  But, thankfully, God knew better.     


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